


Childe’s Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day

by kORREs



Category: Ed Sheeran (Musician), M&M's Commercials, Minecraft (Video Game), Mystic Messenger (Video Game), 原神 | Genshin Impact (Video Game)
Genre: Oh yeah and there is mentions of people making out with eachother, There is a mention of an unclothed red M&M, it takes place in Liyue, sorry quackity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-21
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-18 14:55:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,084
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29611128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kORREs/pseuds/kORREs
Summary: Childe has an extremely unfortunate night.
Relationships: Alexis | Quackity/Karl Jacobs, Quackity/Tartaglia, Tartaglia/Red M&M, Yoosung/Ed Sheeran
Comments: 6
Kudos: 15





	Childe’s Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day

**Author's Note:**

> This is 100% satire. I do not endorse slander of Ed Sheeran and/or Quackity. Feel free to slander the others, however.

It was another uneventful day for Childe. After loads of tiring work commissions and “planning” at the Golden House, he was looking to return home as quickly as possible and get right to sleep. Little did he know, this night would be one of the most eventful ones he’s ever had.

It was around nine at night, and Childe had just begun his slow trek back home. It was fairly dark and cold out and he wasn’t even close to center of Liyue Harbour. So when he saw a round figure standing by the railing of the bridge near Mt. Tianheng he was quite taken aback. 

“Who would be here at this hour?” He thought to himself. He got closer and closer to the figure, and just before he was close enough to look at their face, they rapidly turned around and stared Childe down from head to toe. 

“Hey boy, what are you doing later tonight?” The red being was only a few inches from Childe’s face and whispered in his ear, “My friend Yellow left me hanging and I’ve been a tad lonely these days... could you stay with me? Even if it’s just for a night?” 

Childe was utterly confused, but didn’t want to lower his reputation in Liyue anymore than it already was. So, in the heat of the moment he accepted the guy’s offer. 

“Sure?” 

He was certain he would regret this.

“Really! Well, thanks then! My name is Red M&M, but you can call me daddy.” The M&M said with a smirk. This guy was much too full of himself for Childe’s liking, but he couldn’t get rid of him now.

The two walked down the harbour bridge and into the heart of Liyue. It was busier at this time of year, and many people were out vending food, clothes, and other trinkets and toys. Childe made sure to talk to all the vendors on the way to his home, but one stall had really stood out to him. It was run by a young looking man with short, clipped, yellow hair and purple eyes that looked like wolfhooks. But the main thing that had attracted him to the stall was what he was selling— Large, hot bowls of Calla Lily soup. He was starving and decided to buy a bowl for both him and “Daddy”. 

“Hello kind sir! Me and my friend here have been out fighting monsters all day, and we are really craving a bowl of your Calla Lily soup. Could we get some?” Childe made sure to shoot a wink at the man’s face in hopes of getting a discount. The older ladies always sold food for him cheaper because he was “the perfect man for their daughters to marry,” so it should work on this guy too, right?

The yellow haired man stared at Childe for what felt like forever, and slowly his entire face began turning a shade of light red, tipping his ears and cheeks and nose with colour. His hands rushed to cover his ears and his mouth was agape as if searching for what he was about to say. 

“O-Of course you can have a bowl of soup! I was actually just preparing to close the stall, but I’ll make some more for you guys!” He frantically explained as he proceeded to light a fire and heat more soup. 

The yellow haired man continued, “I must let you know it’s going to take a little while to reheat, so I’ll give you both a discount for your time. You two can feel free to sit here and wait if you’d like!” 

Childe’s plan went just as he had assumed. Him and Daddy sat down on the stools in front of the stall and watched the young man add more mint and crab into the mix. As he waited, he tried best to not initiate any conversation with Daddy and just looked around at all the vendors and their stands. The name of this one read “Yoosung’s Fantastic Soups.” So Yoosung was his name, huh?

“Yoosung, I feel quite bad that I’m making you pay for both me and this guy’s soup. Is there anything I can do to repay you?” Daddy asked the man. 

Childe glared at Daddy. Did he not understand that Childe didn’t want to do more work than he had to? It was late at night and he just wanted a bowl of free soup. Man, this guy was tiring. 

The yellow haired man was wide eyed, probably from the fact that he was just called by his first name, and that this man was willing to repay him for the soup. 

“You know what? Could you walk me home?” He asked Daddy. Daddy just stared at him in return.

“Sorry, let me continue! I mean, there are some weird men that always try and steal my crabs. I spend so much time searching for them and I don’t want them to go to waste.”

“Can’t you do that yourse—“

Childe cut into the conversation, “Of course! Don’t worry about it, we will gladly walk you home”. Stupid Daddy. He was such a nuisance. 

Him and the M&M finally got their bowls of soup and wolfed them down in the blink of an eye. Yoosung washed the bowls, then packaged the extra mint and crab to be brought back home.

“Alright, let’s go!”

All three of them began walking down the harbour again. As they were making their way to Yoosung’s house, they stumbled upon a man doing a street performance out in front of the big water fountain near Wanmin Restaurant. He had bright orange hair and a full fledged beard to go with it. 

“Ah! It’s Ed Sheeran! He’s my favourite street performer in all of the harbour!” Yoosung excitedly stated. Ed was playing some slow song on his guitar and Childe had to admit his singing was quite beautiful. Just as he ended the song and proceeded to put away his instrument, Childe launched some mora into his guitar case. Ed looked up at the group of three and smiled.

“Thank you!” He said with a big wonky grin. 

“Oh, Ed! Hi, my name is Yoosung. I’m actually one of your biggest fans! I always try to stop by and listen to your music. It’s so beautiful and the lyrics are always so meaningful! To me, you are one of the best lyricists I’ve ever seen in my whole life. I even memorized a lot of your songs! I hope that you-“ 

“Wow. I appreciate it, man!” Ed smiled. Childe thought he might be a little drunk, seeing as his cheeks were quite rosy and he had an empty bottle of dandelion wine on the ground. 

“Actually Ed, do you want to come over to my house? I don’t think you are in any condition to return to yours alone. Come here, I will hold your guitar for you.” Yoosung told him. Ed dropped his guitar on the boxes Yoosung had already been holding and cupped Yoosung’s face with his hands. 

“I would love that, Yoosung”. Yoosung turned bright red for the second time in the last hour and a half, and coyly smiled. He took Ed’s hands in his own and the group began walking to Yoosung’s house again. Childe was fed up at this point, he just wanted everyone to leave. They finally arrived at Yoosungs small home, but just as he thought the night couldn’t get worse, it did. 

Yoosung got out his key, unlocked the door and started saying his thank-you’s to Childe and Daddy. They were all helping Yoosung put away the crab and mint (except for Ed who was passed out on the floor), but as they were, a man in a beanie just walked into Yoosung’s house as if it were his own. 

“E-Excuse me!” Yoosung yelled. The man ignored him and laid himself on Yoosungs couch, face down. The only visible parts of him were his beanie which had the word “LAFD”, his messy brown hair, and his questionable outfit. Childe hurried over toward the stranger to turn him around on the couch.

“Who the fuck are you? What are you doing walking into someone’s house like this? Do you know where you are?” He forcibly turned the young man around and saw that his eyes were red and his face was stained with tears. He was struggling to say a single word without bursting into tears again.

“My friend... My friend Karl.. He doesn’t love me anymore.” He whispered. Childe thought his breath smelled bad.

Yoosung questioned him, “Karl? That doesn’t sound like a Liyuan name.. How did you even get here?” 

“I don’t know how I got here.. My name is Quackity. I.. I was on Discord, and all of a sudden my friend Karl said he wouldn’t stream with me ever again. I don’t know what I did to hurt him so badly, and I.. I..” 

Childe was so lost. Discord? Streaming? None of them knew what these words meant. Childe was over these shenanigans of theirs and attempted to leave the house and return to his own. 

“Well, I’ll be heading out! Thanks for the soup, Yoosung!” 

A frown laced Yoosung’s generally happy face. 

“How could you just leave like that?” He complained. “How do you expect me to take care of these two alone? And you didn’t even bring your friend with you! You can’t leave me!” Yoosung really was whiney, Childe thought.

Hearing the banter, Quackity started crying again and turned face down into the couch. Childe figured he would fall asleep sooner or later, so he didn’t worry about him. But what he was worried about was the now awake and half drunk Ed Sheeran who was attempting to make out with Yoosung in his kitchen. 

In the meantime, Childe tried to get more answers out of Quackity. 

“Quackity, can you hear me? Where did you come from?” 

No answer. 

“Hey Quackity.. would you like some water or something?” Childe couldn’t help but feel a little bit of sympathy for the helpless guy. Plus he was short so that just made Childe feel sadder for him. 

He was simply greeted by silence again. Maybe he had fallen asleep after all. Childe went to turn Quackity around and put a blanket overtop of him. To be fair, he didn’t seem all that bad. In fact, he looked quite attractive while he was asleep. He had long eyelashes and perfect skin that complemented his shit brown coloured eyes. Childe could not believe he found this guy from another world “pretty”. 

He went to go bring a cup of water to Quackity since he would be thirsty from crying so much. He walked into the kitchen and immediately regretted it as he saw Ed Sheeran and Yoosung furiously making out with eachother by the kitchen table. Yoosung was flushed red and Ed Sheeran was kissing him as if his life depended on it. 

Childe hurriedly filled up the glass to forget the memory of the two kissing and rushed back to Quackity. He gently nudged him in hopes of getting him to wake up. 

“Quackity? Can you wake up?” Childe said in a hushed tone. He still wouldn’t budge. He decided to go bring him to one of the rooms down the short hallway of Yoosung’s house. There was a bathroom here as well, but Childe would feel bad if he just threw Quackity into it. 

Speaking of bathtubs, where was Daddy? He had thought he was in the bathroom but he didn’t see anyone there. 

He was carrying Quackity bridal-style when Childe saw the entrance to the guest bedroom. He propped up his leg so Quackity wouldn’t fall and proceeded to open the door.

Childe wished he could have become blind at that very moment. What he came across in that room was a very naked red M&M. He dropped Quackity at the horrendous sight. Daddy, he was very round. Everywhere. Very round. Childe couldn’t help but stare at him. He was interrupted by the loud wails of Quackity who was now flat on the floor. 

“My ass! Why would you drop me?” And at that he began crying again.

Childe looked back at the red M&M. not only was he confused but he was also a tad scared. “Why are you.. What did.. What the hell?”

Fuck I can’t continue this it’s so bad


End file.
